I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
