I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
