just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
