Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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