I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
