one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
