I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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