I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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