Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
