Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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