totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
