It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
