It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize