ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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