i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Be still, my beating vagina.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
