chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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