a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
