she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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