you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
