You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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