I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
