Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She needs sedatives and a leash
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
