you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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