I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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