not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize