you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize