omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
