WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
