It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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