He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
