proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
