I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
