i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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