Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
