im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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