i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize