I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
