If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
