I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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