I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize