I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
When are your genitals available?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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