Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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