im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
