Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize