i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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