I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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