She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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