soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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