Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
