I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
