having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
