Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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