M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
