I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
