i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
