3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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