this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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