girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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