You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
