We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
