it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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