I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
