tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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