She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
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