I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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