I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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