the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
