after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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