Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
