She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
