Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
