What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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